Last weekend, comedian Richard Jeni shot himself. I don’t know how many of you are long time readers of this blog (ha), but I met Richard for the second time on one of my Vegas Trips. I was there on business, and he was hired as the closing convention entertainment. He was always my favorite comic (as my old roommate can attest) and I thought he was such a good comic that I often sight him as the reason I gave it up. “I’ll never be that good” I told myself. He was that good.
Not to retell the entire story, but I ran into him in the hall of the RIO and said hello and reintroduced myself. He was very nice and polite and when I attempted to “break off conversation” he called me out on it. It was very funny. I told him I didn’t want him to feel like he had to talk to me. And he replied, it wasn’t going to work and he didn’t mind talking to me anyways. And although I probably could have monopolized his day, I am just too reserved of a guy to initiate such a bold action. So, I talked to him another 5 minutes and went off on my way.
But one thing that now strikes me as I learn about his depression. He act used to go on and on. He did over 90 minutes at the castle one night, declaring after 60 minutes that the show was officially over, but if you wanted to stay you were welcome. I reminded him of this and he said he went for quality not quantity now. But I never thought he was funnier than when he did everything he had in him. And now he is dead. And I hate that. And now I miss the Ramones again. And on top of it all, I can’t seem to win a hand lately.
Tonight I ran QQ into KK and then in a triple shootout, went out on the second hand with KK. I got called by two donks that decided the best way to win the first table was to push all in on every hand with any pair. These pairs were 88 and JJ. Thel board? Flop 567. Turn 9. (These examples look like variance, but I assure you there has been much worse play lately on my part.) And just like that it’s like I am a n00b all over again. I am making poor decisions and donking off chips. Oh yeah, and my company was just acquired. I guess it all adds up.
But then something finally made me less depressed. My favorite Richard Jeni bit (beside the JAWS 3 routine) was his take on Vegas. “I would never want to win the jackpot at the slot machine. I am afraid that if I won that nothing else would ever matter. Everything would be anti-climactic. “Hey Richard, I heard you got married.” Yeah, but it not like that time I put a nickel in a slot machine and won a million dollars!” Richard may have committed suicide, but it was depression that killed him.
Yes, I know we all have things to be thankful for. I do too. But you can't just wave the hand of reason and make all the emotion go away. That only happens on TV.
So, now I say to myself. Stop kicking yourself and remember that you have an outlet that you enjoy, that remains challenging, and you still have to work at to get better. Having purpose helps you deal with the low spots. I wish I had a more concise and poignant ending here, but I may actually be manufacturing one. I guess that is the Catharsis of writing that helps.
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